Fiction Story - Draft

Allison: Make the beginning more clear, use more subtext
Ana: More details about Timothy, focus more on the message of the story.

Timothy was on the verge of breaking his mother's neck, if she asked him one more time to do her homework for her. But weirded out by these angry thought Timothy calmed himself down and proceeded to follow her orders. Timothy was Melissa's prized possession. Timothy did well in school and always followed her orders. His siblings on the other hand were a living hell. They were all adopted from different parts of the world and bullied Timothy for being the only natural born and most favorited by all. One day Tika started randomly stomping on his feet and Timothy frowned and begged her to stop.

"What?! I don't get what you're saying Timothy. Speak good English!"
"I am speaking properly you're just TOO STUPID to understand!!" Surprised over the curse that came out of his mouth. He ran to the backyard and ate a pound of dirt. "I am sorry Tika! I promise not to say that ever again!"

"Pssh, pussy."

Timothy was so ashamed of what he did that he couldn't show his face to his family and ran away. Along hte way a kind old lady offered him food. "Little boy you look so pale and sick, would you like some porridge?"

"No, ma'am I did something wrong... I called someone the S-word. I don't deserve food." The old lady could not help but laugh. "Oh you're so cute, come ea some food." The old lady then handed it to him and Timothy and wnet on to eat it. "Now tell me the full story." As Timothy explained what happened the old lady tried to influenced him to look out for himself more often because then this place would eat him alive.

"How dare you tell me to go against my family?! What kind of women are you?!!... Oh I am sorry.I'm screaming..."
"Oh my god! You're such a pussy."
"I am not a pussy! Does a pussy do this?" He roared and then stabbed her.
He ran away right after. That's all he ever does. Run away.

Reflection:
Throughout reading my fiction story I realized that I need to cut down on the repitition. I also need to be detailed with the setting and personalities of the character. The change in my character is more subtle than anything and kind of leads the reader into confusion. An example of this is the ending. Although he killed the women Timothy was still a coward because he runs away form his problems. He is just a different kind of coward. I also feel that I need to cut down on the word 'pussy'. I need to show off more that is fearful rather than having multiple secondary characters say it. I need to describe the character more in terms of wealth, race, appearance, and above all go above and beyond in describing why is like this. My grammar mistakes are very obvious in this story and I need to make the story more clear. So that it won't make that audience put my sudden fiction down before even getting to the end.