He wakes up slowly, the fog in his brain inhibiting him from opening his eyes completely. There’s sun shining in through his window, forcing him to blink multiple times before keeping his eyes. His mouth is acrid, dry, and stale. He can smell cigarettes from last night lingering on his breath. He smells of scotch and loneliness. He wonders if anyone else can smell the repugnant aroma of selfishness and early mornings spent alone with empty bottles, wafting from him.
Rising from his soiled sheets, he decides not to change his dingy, once white underwear, and throws on a pair of jeans that have been his only source of pants for quite some time now. He searches for a shirt, but it takes too much concentration, and decides against it. He looks down at his sunken, yet protruding belly riding atop his pants. His skinny, lanky frame has been awarded the difficult task of carrying his ever growing beer gut. If his skinny, lanky frame could talk to him, he’s sure it would say fuck you.
He goes to the kitchen, opening the refrigerator to find nothing besides beer and moldy bread. He opens a can. The refreshing pop that follows from the opening of the tab constitutes as his shower for the day. He wonders what demons he’ll have to face today, and quickly downs his beer in hopes of drowning them before they can set in. He grabs a second beer from the foul fridge and steps outside.
There are kids across the street playing with a decrepit can. It rattles along the ground as their tiny feet find contact with it. Down the street is an elderly lady pinning out sheets on her clothesline. It sags as she weighs it down with drenched bed linens. Then suddenly Penny Brooke’s voice flows through the air of his house. He turns on the radio off and sits on his couch, where he has spent every day for the past three weeks. He knows there’s nothing here for him, yet he cannot bring himself to leave. He imagines her walking up to their door step, and laying her bags down on the stoop before she gently knocks on their door. He imagines her returning, realizing her mistake in leaving him, realizing that he is worth loving after all.
Her words coursed through Aidan’s mind like a film loop. His memory immediately sought out the records of events from four years ago. Aidan only had eyes for her. They were both only seventeen at the time but Aidan felt as though she meant the whole world to him in that moment.
Fast forward to three months later and Aidan had went from ripped jeans to polished pant suits. His hair was no longer spikey and even his face to some extent changed just to appease her. Meanwhile through all his effort was there she was telling him that she had found somebody knew. She fed him the usually bull shit about how she never meant to hurt him, how she wishes things could be different but ultimately, how she’d found somebody new. That stung and Aidan still felt it twinge in his ribcage.
But after a bout with her partner she began to call him more often, and invite him to events. Once he attended an art gallery and he stared deep into her light golden eyes, trying to read her, as if he knew she had some hidden agenda. He couldn’t find anything; she was too difficult to read. He’d have to get her to talk.
“Why now?”
“What do you mean?” she asked back, acting all innocent. Aidan knew better than to fall for that again.
“After all this time, why choose now to get back together?”
“I’m done fooling around. I had something good with you and I threw it away for something that wasn’t any good. I just want to be with you again.”
Aidan’s eyes narrowed when she finished. He still knew there was more to this than she was letting on.
“What do you want from me?”
“What do you mean?”
“Come on Penny, I changed completely for you last time. What do you want this time?” Aidan responded as expressionless as he could. He wasn’t a serious man by nature and he couldn’t exactly act it well either, but he did his best.
“Well… I know it’s a big ask but… would you quit the band? Just for me.” She gave it her best pout and puppy-dog eyes, both framed by her chestnut hair. Aidan glared back. This was unbelievable. Music was all he knew. The band was just starting to get recognized and now she was asking him to quit. There was nothing more important to Aidan than his family and the band but then he thought back to all their moments and felt that she towered over all of the things he loved.
Many late nights cuddling, and watching her try on clothes were ways to make him feel unregretful of leaving it all behind. Even the smallest things like the way she would tippy toe to reach things at high lengths made him feels lucky to be alive. But gradually things he found cute like the rolling of her eyes, or cute whining voice and her smack in the backs made him want to escape. One day she cornered him in their bedroom
“When do you plan on graduating? Wasn’t last year your last year?”
“Just give me some time,” and walked passed her into the hallway.
“Don’t ignore me. I didn’t commit myself to a failure.”
“Maybe if I didn’t quit the band I wouldn’t even have to be in school.”
“I am the best thing that’s ever happened to you!”
“Fuck off, bitch!”
Penny proceeds to the door and slammed it on her way outside and she never looked back.
In truth, he knows he’s a broken old man. He left his dreams behind, left himself behind, and in turn, left her behind. He deserves nothing besides the loneliness that comes from six packs and cheap bottles of scotch. But he can’t stop himself from seeing her pink dress getting caught on the tree in their driveway, as she walked out of his life and into a strange car with a strange man. He knows there’s nothing here for him, but he cannot bring himself to leave the house which houses all their memories. Its walls know all the love he’s ever known, and he will stay until they give it back.
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